Taming The Inner Voice: Part 1

The following article is Part 1 of a 2-part series about taming our inner voices. Part 1 is about discovering where the inner voice has come from.

That Voice In Our Heads

Our inner voice is what decides how we live our lives. It has also been known as the ‘inner critic’, or the ‘inner judge’. Our inner voices are our own conscience telling us what we should or shouldn’t be doing, and what we can or can’t do. It’s our director in the movie of our lives.

Yet there’s a problem – the director is abusive. It often berates its cast and crew, and yells and screams whenever someone slips up and makes a mistake. And whenever this director finally leaves us alone to get on with our lives, we’re still reminded of our incompetence and inability whenever it even looks like we’re about to slip up again. The director is harsh, and has been for some time – ever since we were children.

This director has been inspired and forged by our peers – our parents who told us we needed to speak up more, or our teachers who admonished us in front of the class, or our friends who laughed at us when we fell over. Any or all of these people have had some responsibility in forming the inner voice in our heads that now controls our lives with an iron fist.

Each of us has a unique inner voice that commands no-one else but ourselves. No-one else can hear our own inner voice, and we can’t hear anyone else’s. Because of this, it’s hard for someone else to precisely understand the grief that our inner voice gives us. We may pour our hearts out when we try to explain how tough our lives are, but all the other person can do is offer advice and short-term solutions. They can give you a fish, but they can’t teach you to fish.

And why can’t they help you out? Because they can’t hear what your inner voice is saying. And if they can’t hear what that dastardly director is saying to you, then how they can help out? Whatever they can possibly do for you just won’t help in changing the tune of the inner voice.

No, that responsibility lies solely with you.

Stopping The Inner Critic

As much as the inner voice loves to come out and berate you over something that you’ve done wrong, how often do we actually stop and listen to the voice? Sure, we may kick ourselves and do exactly what the voice tells us, but can we recognise the sound of the voice?

I remember when I first stopped midway through a ‘self-bashing’. After knocking some fruit off a fruit bowl, I began to berate myself for being so clumsy, and that I should look where I’m going more often, and so on. But when I made the decision to stop listening to the voice in my head, the voice magically fell silent. I couldn’t hear the stern inner critic any longer.

Then I asked myself, why was I beating myself up this way? Nobody else was blaming me for the mistake I made, so why should I be so harsh on myself? The answer was just that, I couldn’t think of any valid reason why I was being so harsh on myself.

Then I began to feel pity, and a genuine self-love. I realised I needed to take much better care of myself. There was no need to be so stern, and it certainly wasn’t helping me in any way – I wouldn’t improve my co-ordination after a fierce telling off!

After I had calmed down, I then remembered what my inner judge had said in the moments leading up to my peace. More importantly, I remembered what my judge sounded like.

Who’s Speaking?

At first, I thought the judge sounded like me. Then I thought the judge was me, and I began to despair a little. Why am I beating myself up so much? Despite my desires to love myself, I found it was all too easy to let the inner voice take over and admonish me for any little mistake.

But I decided to dig deeper. I needed to know why I was being so harsh on myself, and why my inner voice was choosing to judge and dictate, rather than love and care. Then I realised that although my inner voice sounded a lot like my own, the words weren’t my own to begin with. They were the words of other people.

Remember earlier when I said about how our peers form and shape our inner voices? This is how – by branding our memories with their words. When they talk down to us, or judge us, or even give well-meaning advice that doesn’t sound right, their words remain with us well into our adulthoods. They play their part in forming our identity, and forming our inner voices, to the point where they decide how we view ourselves day-to-day, even if the initial incident happened many years ago.

On this occasion, my inner voice was comprised of an old school teacher who lectured me in front of the class when I knocked some paint over onto the floor. Now that I remembered the event, I could link it to the sound of my teacher’s voice incredibly easily. The tones of my teacher’s words were as clear as ever in my inner judge. I now knew why I was beating myself up – because I hadn’t let the memory of that event go.

In my mind, the teacher had been lecturing me for any little mistake I made. And this had been going on for years.

Now that I know what my inner voice is actually made up, I can more easily take steps to identify its source whenever it pops up again to have a go at me. The freedom I felt on that day when I realised the true source of my inner voice was wonderful, and I’ve always managed to retain a piece of that freedom ever since.

Part 2

In Part 2, I will be talking about how to tame that inner voice. I will talk more about the process that I used, and how I continue to use it whenever I hear the stern inner judge rise up again. More importantly, I will reveal how you can use what I learned to tackle and tame your own inner voices, so that they never have a tight grip on your lives ever again.

If you feel ready to discuss your struggles with your inner voices, please leave a comment below and I’ll be happy to help you out!

 

Image courtesy of Kevin Cornell